50 Parenting Lessons

I see a lot of stuff on my Facebook timeline…some of it is silly, some of it tragic, and some just plain stupid. This, however, caught my attention. I’m sharing this from the Facebook group Bitchin’ Parents, and the original post is here.


1. Super glue has no place in a house with young children.
2. Neither do Sharpies.
3. There is no such thing as allowing your kid to play with your phone “just once.”
4. Don’t use Google to diagnose illnesses. Ever.
5. Dollar store toys cost far more than a dollar in frustration, anguish and regret.
6. The terrible twos are bullshit. The terribleness lasts through at least age four. Or, forever.
7. Always carry wipes, long after diaper wearing has ended.
8. Resist purchasing character Band-Aids, unless you’re prepared to buy a box a week.
9. You can never have too many Goldfish. The crackers, not the live ones.
10. Don’t buy bunk beds, unless you have absolutely no choice.
11. Keep track of who gave what at birthday parties.
12. Never stock batteries in your house, or you will be forced to make obnoxiously loud toys work once again.
13. Buy Mr. Clean Erasers in bulk.
14. Back up all photos. Better yet, print them.
15. Look in the oven before you turn it on.
16. There is no point in making beds.
17. Accept the fact that you will turn into your mother.
18. Always check pockets before washing clothes.
19. There is no such thing as “running” into Target with children.
20. Take more video.
21. Daily baths are overrated.
22. Find young babysitters and groom them. The less attractive, the better.
23. Always have ample one dollar bills on hand for lost teeth and bribery.
24. Carry plenty of emergency snacks in the car.
25. Keep expensive cosmetics out of arm’s reach. Arm’s reach, on a stool and tippy toes.
26. The four year old check-up is brutal.
27. Look before you sit down to pee.
28. Train your children to clean up all Legos before bed, knowing that nothing is more painful than stepping on a Lego with a bare foot at midnight.
29. Save “no” for when it really matters.
30. Over-apply sunscreen.
31. Practice caution when approaching that stray raisin on the floor. It’s probably not a raisin.
32. Never pay full price for kids’ clothes. They always go on sale and the expensive ones inevitably get ruined first.
33. There’s a reason why people surprise their kids with trips to Disney: Their anticipation may kill you.
34. Don’t take their word for it when children say they don’t need to pee before leaving the house.
35. Lock your bedroom door.
36. And your bathroom door.
37. Never open a can of soda handed to you by a child.
38. Walk away from temper tantrums. Or record them for future enjoyment.
39. Upset as you may be, hair grows back.
40. But not on Barbie dolls, so hide the scissors.
41. Never buy more than two pairs of shoes at once. Their feet will inevitably grow once you do.
42. No matter how hard they promise, kids will never walk that puppy as much as you hoped.
43. Give away the books you can’t stand reading.
44. No child went to college with a pacifier.
45. Don’t buy any toy that is meant to come apart, unless they can put it back together themselves.
46. Keep a well-hidden stock of lollipops.
47. Don’t allow Play-Doh on carpets. Or indoors, for that matter.
48. TV won’t really turn their brains to mush.
49. A bathroom in a house with boys will never smell clean.
50. It doesn’t get easier.

I’d like to add a few to that list, if I may…
51. Children’s toys — especially stuffed ones — are highly coveted by dogs.
52. And vice versa.
53. If your child can walk, let them out of the stroller once in a while when you’re running errands. You may be pleasantly surprised.
54. There truly is such a thing as too many toys.
55. You will spend your child’s toddler years acting as their translator.

Do you have any you’d like to add? Please do in the comments!

  • 56. When your child becomes attached to a specific stuffed animal, buy a back-up…or two!