I’ve always wanted a baby girl. Like, really wanted a baby girl. When I got pregnant in January 2011, The Hubby and I were super excited because we’d been thinking about having a baby for years and the moment had finally arrived! Of course, when you discover you’re carrying a child your thoughts immediately shift….
Is the baby growing solo, or am I carrying multiples?
Will they have any birth defects?
OMG, what do I want the nursery to look like?!
Oh!! Baby clothes!!
And, most importantly:
Is it a boy or a girl???
I was 16 weeks pregnant when I just couldn’t take the suspense anymore. I knew the doctor normally waited until week 20 to reveal the sex just to make sure that the baby’s genitalia had sufficient time to develop. It would suck to have the doctor tell you at 16 weeks that, “Hey, it’s a girl!” and get all worked up just to find out at week 20 that, “Oops….we should have waited. That’s definitely a boy!”
But at 16 weeks, I just. couldn’t. wait. I had to know NOW.
So I asked the doctor if there was any chance she could tell and immediately got the spiel about waiting until week 20….but she said she’d take a look anyway.
I crossed my fingers and told myself that even if the baby was a boy, I’d be happy just because I had finally managed to conceive (and carry, to this point) a healthy child.
It’s a boy!!!
OK, so no girl this time. That’s okay. Maybe we’ll get a girl next time. Now that we know it’s a boy, let’s focus on preparing his nursery, building a layette, and saying goodbye to our sleep.
A few months later, I went into the hospital for a scheduled C-section. The moment I saw this…
…..and heard that single short cry, my son’s gender no longer made an inkling of difference. I had a baby! I was a mommy!
Now, nearly two years later, my Baby Bear has grown into this loud, rambunctious, sweet, funny little man and I feel no regret at all over the fact that he’s not female. But now, we’re also starting to work on Baby #2.
Whom I’m really hoping turns out to be a girl, because this may well be my last pregnancy.
I’m going to get a bit personal with you, and I hope you don’t mind. If you’re uninterested in or grossed out by “trying to conceive” (or TTC) details, you might want to stop reading now.
Since long before Joshua was born, I’ve had trouble with my periods. They’ve never been regular, except when I was on birth control — which you can’t be while you’re TTC and/or pregnant. Of course, in order to ovulate (which is the “prime” window for conception), you have to have a period. When The Hubby and I were trying to get pregnant, we just tried not to think about getting pregnant (which is counterproductive, I know). I had asked the doctor if there was anything we could do to help things along, because if I didn’t know when my next period would be arriving, how was I supposed to know when I was ovulating? By the time I asked for medication, it had already been 2 months since my last period. Before prescribing the medication, the doctor had to send me for bloodwork (to get a sense of my hormone levels) and an ultrasound (to check for cysts).
My bloodwork was fine and I didn’t have any cysts, but it turned out that I did have a condition called subseptate uterus. As the doctor described it, a normal woman’s uterus has two walls; mine had the normal two walls, but also had a “mild subseptate” — a small third “wall” growing out of one of the regular ones, like a nail sticking out of a wall. The doctor had said that I could conceive and carry a child without issue, but that delivery could lead to issues. That was when the doubt drilled a deep hole in my psyche: I would have to either endure surgery to remove the third wall or deliver my children via C-section.
I admit that I struggled with the news for a little while. Was it really worth it to have an invasive operation just to avoid a C-section? What could potentially happen to me or to a baby if I went ahead and attempted to deliver them normally with a subseptate uterus? Would I end up back on the operating table, first for an emergency C-section to deliver the child and then another operation to correct a complication from trying to push? After giving it a great deal of thought, I decided not to have the surgery and sealed my own fate.
All of my children would be born via C-section, and I was okay with that.
Shortly thereafter, the doctor allowed me to take Provera (to induce a period) and Clomid (to induce ovulation). After completing the courses of medication, I gave up on “trying” for a baby and just focused on being a little family with The Hubby. Not long after that, I started feeling different: I became more short-tempered, my breasts started feeling sore, and I just felt weird in my skin. My sister suggested I take a pregnancy test, and I just knew it’d be negative like it had always been.
Boy, was I wrong.
Fast-forward nearly three years and you’ll find me back in that same boat. As soon as The Hubby and I decided to start trying for baby #2, I called my doctor’s office (my old doctor left the practice and I switched to a different doctor within the same practice) and told them I was stopping the birth control. After I finished my last pack of pills, my periods arrived on schedule for a month or two and then suddenly stopped. Again. My new doctor told me that, if I want to use Provera and Clomid again, that I would have to go for monthly ultrasounds after every month I failed to conceive to check for cysts until conception was successful. At least I won’t have to get monthly blood draws — I really hate needles. I have to go for an ultrasound in a few hours, in fact; I just hope there aren’t any cysts on my ovaries so that I can get my hands on the Clomid and start trying again. And this time, I’m thinking about it. I’m thinking hard about it.
I was also reminded that conception with assistance from Clomid dramatically raises our odds of conceiving multiples. All I can hope for is that when I discover I’m pregnant again, the baby (or one of the babies, in case of multiples), turns out to be a girl.
I saw the most beautiful baby blue almost three years ago. This time, I’m really, really hoping to see pink.
I’ve always wanted a baby girl.